The Sacrifice Doesn't Come Easy

After my post The Love Has to Happen Now a couple weeks ago, I've had some very real conversations with people about the struggles of parenting.  Since writing out my experience, I've truly been more intentional in the moments I've had with my children (another post on that soon!), but I've still made tons of mistakes, had a lot of ugly mommy moments, yelled like an idiot and have completely failed at this whole parenting thing in many, many situations.  It's a process.  A slow, painful process.  

Sunday at church, a good friend of ours got up after the sermon and shared a testimony with the church.  He talked about the struggles he has with his four kids and how easily he gets frustrated with them--particularly at bed time.  He had a moment a couple weeks ago where he lost it.  He screamed and yelled at the top of his lungs at his kids because they weren't settling into bed like they were supposed to be.  He got ugly with his kids.  He got un-Christ-like with his kids. He acted like I do with my kids sometimes.  As he was talking, I was replaying a moment in my head I had on Friday night where I did basically the same thing with my kids because they weren't helping clean up their toys.  It was ugly.  I'm so ashamed of how I acted.  And that's basically the same situation he was describing.  Tears started to form in my eyes as I listened to him speak and re-lived my own situation in my head.

He continued telling us about how a few days later, he discovered a video on his phone.  One of his little ones had been playing with his phone during this whole ordeal and the whole incident was captured on video.  He sat and watched himself become this monster-like figure with his kids and it broke him.  He realized how ugly it was, how un-Christ-like it was, and he was ashamed.  He cried as he talked about it and asked for prayer and support.  It was everything I could do to not just break down and sob.  His testimony finally helped me put everything I'd been thinking and feeling into words.  Here's how it all finally came together for me in my head:

As Christians, we are supposed to follow Jesus and become like Him.  We're supposed to love others like He loved us--He sacrificed his life for us.  He literally gave up living for us. Love is a sacrifice.  It means putting the needs of others ahead of your own.  As a parent, it means sacrificing that time you'd rather spend watching tv or hanging out with your friends for time spent loving your children.  Love is a sacrifice. 

There is this account in 2 Samuel of David being instructed to build an altar to the Lord to end a plague on the land that God inflicted because of a sin he committed.  He's told to go build it on the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite.  So he goes to this guy and asks to buy his threshing floor, but the guy basically says, "Take it, it's yours.  And while you're at it, here's some oxen and wood for you to use."  How easy this situation has become for David!  He's offered this opportunity to make up for his sins and end this plague for FREE.  Everything he needs has just been handed to him.  In 2 Samuel 24:24, however David responds like this:  "No, I insist on buying it, for I will not present burnt offerings (a sacrifice) to the Lord my God that have cost me nothing.”  Our sacrifice--our love--can't cost nothing or it's shallow and worthless.  The more I read these words, the more convicted I am about the times when I've complained about how my children have inconvenienced me.  From another perspective, this means that how we're serving the Lord can't cost us nothing, either.  I've been guilty of complaining that my serving the Lord has inconvenienced me.  The fact that I've even thought those things makes me ashamed.  God gave me everything, so He deserves no less from me.  I will not present God a sacrifice that cost me nothing.  

We're also supposed to be patient with others--He is more than patient with us. Ephesians 4:32 says, "Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."  Our impatience with our children often comes from our inability to truly forgive them for when they misbehave.  We sometimes take it personally when they're acting poorly and it literally makes us angry.  If we are going to be true examples of Christ, we need to forgive--to not let the times they mess up constantly frustrate us.  We are constantly messing up, too, but God is faithful to forgive us and have patience with us.  He is full of grace and mercy--traits that we should also reflect.  

There's this pesky little verse in Matthew where Jesus tells us that we won't be forgiven of our sins if we don't forgive others.  That's a pretty scary thought when I think about how difficult it is to forgive sometimes.  It's probably not scary enough, to be honest.  We can correct our children when they misbehave and still show them forgiveness.  Our correction must come out of love, not anger.  Can you imagine what life would be like for us if God reacted to us when we mess up the way we react to our children when they mess up?  Let's be real:  I would have been struck by lightning years ago.

Ultimately, we want to train our kids to be like Christ, not just to follow the moral code of the church.  We want to teach them right and wrong, but we also want them to understand grace, mercy and unconditional, sacrificial love.  In the sermon on Sunday, our pastors shared an illustration of a man talking about his daughter who, in spite of growing up in the church, had turned from Christ.  He said about her, "We raised her in Church, but we didn't raise her in Christ."  I want more than that for my kids, and it has to start at home.   It has to start with me making myself like Christ.  They have to be able to see what Christ looks like by seeing Him in me.  That's going to require the love, the sacrifice, the patience and forgiveness that I wrote about earlier.  

It requires that I love the Lord the way I should and, in turn, love my kids the way I should. Ultimately, He has to be my number one priority if I'm going to love my kids the way I should.

It requires that I sacrifice time to invest in my relationship with Him.  It requires that maybe I spend less time on Facebook and more time actively paying attention to my children.  It requires me to teach my kids to serve, so they understand that being a Christian isn't just about following the rules, but about being the church to those in need.

It requires that I have patience with myself when I mess up and that I remember how infinitely patient God is with me when I'm feeling impatient toward my children. 

It requires me to forgive myself for the times that I've messed up in the past and to remember that forgiveness is also required of me.

It all comes down to the fact that we can't do this on our own, but we can do everything through Christ who gives us strength (Phil 4:13). 

God, show me how to love my kids, my spouse, my family, and the world like you do.  

The Love Has to Happen Now

I had a moment last night that felt so good, and then it made me feel really guilty.  I was putting the kids to bed by myself--which, let's be honest, is something that usually puts me in a bad mood anyway.  Bedtime is a fiasco.  Child #1 stalls like a pro.  She literally has to be handheld through the process some nights, just to get it done.  Child #2 is still too little to be completely helpful.  Some clothes he just can't seem to get on or off by himself.  He can't help it, but it frustrates me sometimes. Child #3 is clearly too little to be helpful, but that's still acceptable in a seven month old. :)

So this particular night, after tell #1 to put her pjs on for the fifth time (no lie), I hear #2 say, "Mom, the floor's wet.  I peed."  The kid peed in the bathroom, while on the step stool brushing his teeth.  He was less than three feet from the toilet.  I tried to be patient and handled it pretty well, at least on the outside.  Inside, I was feeling the rage mount.  I don't know why such small children can set me off like they do, but they do.  After cleaning up the pee, I found #1 child was still not dressed.  She was, in fact, lying on her bedroom floor just staring at the ceiling.  I have no idea what she was looking at or imagining, because I didn't take the time to ask.  I got mad.  I took matters into my own hands and dressed her, then I walked her to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

With #1 taken care of, I climbed in bed with #2 to tell him goodnight.  I was trying to be loving, but
quick.  I was hoping to accomplish something in the few minutes the kids were all in bed before Kraig got home.  As I was hugging him, however, he pushed me over and climbed on top of me, laughing and telling me that I had to stay with him.  In the very second it happened, I started to be mad--he was ruining my plan.  Instead, I started to laugh.  As I laughed, he laughed harder--and so did I.  It was a moment that hadn't been planned.   In fact, had I reacted with my gut, I would have ruined this beautiful, blissful moment with my son.  I'm sure it's not something he'll remember when he grows up--he probably doesn't remember now, but I will.

It was a rare moment when I let go and truly just enjoyed my kids.  We're busy people these days--always going from one thing to the next--and I'm constantly guilty of just trying to survive my days.  I'm finding that, for me, enjoying my days is more difficult than it used to be.  You see, there are these expectations I have for myself--about how clean my house should be, how I should look, what things I should be involved in.  These expectations are ridiculous and I know it.  They come from a world of people who are always putting on a happy, I've-got-it-all-together face, from a Facebook full of people who only post the most positive things in their lives (and quite possibly embellish those), from a Pinterest world telling me that my house isn't good enough, my floors aren't clean enough, my pantry isn't organized enough, my kids aren't smart/well-behaved/thankful enough, my makeup techniques are amateur, my wardrobe is outdated, my abs aren't ripped enough, my relationship with my husband isn't Godly enough, my "me"-time is lacking and that, all-in-all, I'm one good blog read away from fixing it all. It's exhausting, it's unhealthy, and it's not true.

I'm seeing even more these days how quickly the time with our kids passes.  Our oldest started kindergarten a few weeks ago.  She's now away from me for 7+ precious hours everyday.  It's 7 hours where someone else is teaching her, leading her and watching her grow.  It's good and healthy for her, but it's a constant reminder of how little time I have left with the other two.  So I've decided to make the most of it.  I'm not going to live in the past and regret the time lost, I'm going to purpose everyday to make the most of the time I have.  I'm being intentional to make special connections with each kid everyday, to make sure I spend time showing them that I love them--not just saying the words as I rush them off to bed at night.  Some days, I feel like I've barely even notice them in a real, tangible way.  I've spent the day focusing on my errands, or my volunteering, or cooking/cleaning/housework--maybe even on Facebook or Pinterest.  Regardless of the reason, I failed to connect with my kids like I should have.  Even just five minutes of intentionally connecting with your kid in a day can make the world of difference in their self esteem, in your relationship with them, and in how much they feel like they can trust you.  The other things will wait, but the love has to happen now.  I'm pretty sure that they're truly only little for like 5 minutes.  That's how fast it goes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should completely neglect our homes, our relationships, and whatever else we have in our lives to entertain our children.  I simply want to encourage you to not let these standards that we put on ourselves control our lives.  Our priorities need to reflect the correct order:  1) God, 2) husband, 3) children.  I'm afraid they often look more like this:  1) keeping up appearances for friends, family & the world, 2) me, 3) whatever else I can manage to fit into the day that I feel like doing.  Remember what 1 Corinthians says: "So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."  Remember, His approval is all you need.  Take time to let go and enjoy your kids.

Confessions of a Control Freak: Learning to Let Go

Confession:  I'm a bit of a control freak.  I'm sure this isn't coming as a surprise to some of you.  I like to know that nothing has been overlooked.  That things are getting done the best way possible (my way, of course).  That things are under control.

There are so many questions we want answers to in life.  Will I ever get married?  How many kids should we have?  Where will the money come from?  Are things really going to be okay?  Why are things the way they are?  My husband and I are currently dealing with a couple of these questions--particularly about money.  I've been able to stay-at-home with the kids and it has been a blessing.  We've never had a ton of money, but we've survived. The cost of living in Virginia is higher than we're used to, for sure, but the cost of living is rapidly increasing everywhere.  We're doing everything we can to keep living at our normal standard of living, but the money's not there.  And it drives me crazy.  And every time it feels like we're finally getting ahead or that our emergency fund is finally funded, we have an emergency that exceeds our emergency funds.  Every time.

When I step back and take a look at the big picture, though, I see that it's not really all that bad.  Our basic needs are met.  That's all that we really need right now.  There have been times in the past where we've gone through a rough financial patch, but God has always provided.  He hasn't always provided what we thought we needed when we thought we needed it, but His plan is always better than ours.  His timing is always better than ours.

Aren't two sparrows sold for only a penny? 

But your Father knows when any one of them falls to the ground. 

 Even the hairs on your head are counted. So don't be afraid!

 You are worth much more than many sparrows. 

Matthew 10:29-31 

God knows our needs, there's nothing to worry about.  When we trust Him and let Him take over as "control freak" in our lives, things are so much better.  

We're praying for God's guidance as I look for a way to supplement our income.  He's already clearly steered me away from two options, and I know that He knew exactly why those wouldn't be the right choice for our family.  Ultimately, He knows that I want to stay home to care for our kids, and I believe He is going to work that out.  

Regardless of what situation you're struggling with, God knows and God will provide the answer, if you'll just wait for Him.  Sometimes, we just have to sit around and wait for it, and for a control freak like me, the sitting around while I could be up "fixing" the problem is incredibly difficult and scary.  But the Lord has proven time and time again that He is with his people.  I can come up with plenty of examples in my own life that show that.  Reading through the Old Testament shows that. The Old Testament is almost like a resume of God's work as our Defender, Provider, Comforter, etc.  

I've commanded you to be strong and brave. 

Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! 

I am the Lord your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go. 

Joshua 1:9

So, I'm a control freak.  But I'm learning to let go. This particularly testing time is just reminding me that it's not all about me.  God's got it under control.  

Happy Friday! (And thanks Mom for your inspiring scripture references on Facebook!)

Are you one of those moms? (You know the kind I'm talking about!)

Are you one of those moms who is sweet, understanding and always seems to be overly patient with her children. Do you look like the picture of grace? Was Proverbs 31 written about you? If you are, tell the rest of us how you do it! Just kidding. I tend to think that people that seem that patient and sweet in public are probably hiding their true mommy style. At least, I hope they're not as perfect as they seem.

I try to be sweet, patient and understanding, but I'm not going to lie. My mommy style is being challenged. Kate is in one of those phases that you hope to forget about. One that you hope never repeats itself. She's obstinate, selfish, hard-headed. She's hit Kraig and I both a few times in the last couple weeks. Our sweet little girl is, well, not so sweet. I know she's two. I know it's a phase. I know it won't last forever. But I'm having a very hard time being patient and disciplining in a way that's effective. There are times when the only discipline that comes to mind involves me banging my head into a wall. Not effective for anyone.

Seriously, though, I find myself yelling far too often. I'm working on it. I broke down and cried on the phone with my mom on Tuesday and it helped. She made it through it, and so can I. (I was never like Kate, of course, but my sister...) It made me realize, though, that I haven't prayed about it. So I started. I've prayed many times everyday for God to help me be the mommy that I'm supposed to be. To be gentle and understanding. To discipline with love. And it's helping. Is Kate being any better? Not necessarily, but I'm handling it better. I've also realized that she needs more one on one attention and more structure activities. She's still a great independent player, but she needs some direction. I'm still not perfect, and I don't have things figured out. But asking God for some intervention should have come to mind a little sooner. He's definitely helping!

So, what's your mommy style? I'm not one of those that I earlier described, but I definitely don't want to be the other mom you see out. The one that's harried, frazzled and is constantly screaming and belittling her children for the whole world to see. I hate to see what that mom's like without an audience! God has called us to be better than that for our kids. I can only pray that God will help me be the kind of mom He wants me to be. I definitely can't do it on my own!

And on that note, Happy Birthday to my Mom:) Thanks for leading by example and being a wonderful mom! Love you!

New Year's Resolution?

I know I'm a little late, but I've got to make a change. I'll admit it. I hate housework. I hate laundry. Unless I have motivation, like the knowledge that someone is coming over, I don't always make much of an effort. Sure, the clutter in the living room drives me crazy, so we clean up the toys one hundred times a day. Sure, I have to have clean clothes, so eventually I do laundry. But there's not much routine. I follow a blog/website called MoneySavingMom. There's lots of great practical advice for parenting and running a household, etc. One of the things she's been doing is writing out her list of weekly goals. She also shares her top five goals of the day on Facebook. Does she always get them done? No. Makes me feel good, but it also has inspired me to do the same. So here goes:

This week's goals:
1) Dust the house towards the end of the week
2) Mop the kitchen/bathrooms (Friday or Saturday)
3) Vacuum as needed (and on Sunday)
4) Clean up the kitchen after meals/before bed
5) No computer time until Kate's naptime (yes, I'm breaking this now)
6) Pump breastmilk at least once a day to stock the freezer with
7) Cook chicken for the freezer and make stock to freeze (Wednesday)
8) Prep the menu and grocery list for next week
9) Bake cookies for Sunday night teen life groups (Saturday or Sunday)
10) Do one load of laundry per day, start to finish
11) Sort through the kids clothes, putting away the ones that are out of season or the wrong size
12) Work on Kraig's birthday stuff
13) Read to both kids everyday
14) Do something artsy with Kate everyday
15) Potty training!
16) No more snacks after 8pm
17) Get some exercise at least twice

Today's top 5 goals:
1) Potty training
2) Read to the kiddos
3) Art time with Kate
4) Cook chicken and make stock
5) Clean the kitchen