The Rainbow and the Rain--Pregnancy After Miscarriage

I've started writing this post a dozen times, but I keep putting it off.  Writing is a good outlet for me.  It helps me "talk about" things that are on my heart that I would have trouble expressing in person to someone.  And the whole miscarriage thing is awkward to bring up.  Other people don't want to bring it up because they're afraid they're bringing up something you might be uncomfortable talking about or that they'll make you cry.  And you, as the one who's been through it, sometimes assume that everyone around you is done hearing about it and you hesitate to bring it up again--if you even had the nerve to bring it up in the first place.

Today was a much needed reminder that I'm not alone in this.  That people haven't forgotten our loss.  That people still think my grief is valid.  And I needed that.

My sweet, sweet friend gave me this at church today.  Well, not this exact one...mine has four turquoise beads and one pearl.  The four turquoise beads represent our living babies, and the white pearl represents our little one in heaven.  It's so perfect.

The card with it said this:

Stacy,

I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll never have the right words to say so I hope this gift shows you how much I think about you and pray for you.  Even if you don't wear this, I hope you can enjoy it in some way to celebrate all your sweet babies, both here and in heaven.  There is a special place in our hearts for you all and your kiddos!  We love you!

And I cried, of course.

Pregnancy after miscarriage is definitely different.  I was never really concerned about miscarriage before I had one, but the fear definitely loomed through most of the first trimester.  I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again (in the bathroom at Target!), but the excitement quickly turned into anxiety as we got closer and closer to my first appointment.  I dreaded walking into that office.  I dreaded being taken back to an ultrasound room where I might get bad news.

There was a definite emotional battle off and on throughout the entire pregnancy.  It took me until after our 20 week ultrasound before I felt comfortable going to appointments without Kraig.  Even then it was hard, but by then I could feel that he was alive in me.  The rest of the second trimester and most of the third were much less anxiety-filled, but my emotions have definitely been on high alert lately.  

This last trimester and the quickly approaching birth has brought up a lot of the pain and anxiety all over again.  The fear of this one not making it either.  The fear of the emotions of labor and delivery, as I will inevitably remember the baby that we lost and the hospital experience of my D&C.  The guilty feelings of being happy about the baby that will soon be here.  There are a thousand feelings, really.  

My friend was definitely following the Lord's leading to gift me with this right now.  I don't even think I was aware of how much I needed that reminder that the life that is gone was precious and has not been forgotten.  I needed that reminder that I'm not alone.

Having a reminder of all 5 of my kids on this necklace is perfect.  It's a way to carry them all with me, and it creates an opportunity to share my story if anyone should ask.  And I'm so very thankful for that.  The silence does no one any good.

If you're in my shoes, know that these feelings are normal.  I pray that you'll have someone who will show you that your loss isn't forgotten--that your pain is still very real and recognized.

If you're a friend of someone who's in my shoes (pregnant or not), don't be afraid to reach out.  I'm sure it's awkward.  It's definitely something that's so terribly hard to understand if you've never been through it, but just acknowledging someone's loss can mean the world to someone like me. And it doesn't have to be in the form of a gift.  A simple card or even a text can mean a lot!

I'm very thankful my awesome friend didn't let the awkwardness get in the way of her ministering to me.  And ministering to me is exactly what she did.  :)

Hoping my next post is a birth announcement!!

**These beautiful necklaces 
and other similar jewelry can be found at www.rachelle-isms.com 
She has a lovely Etsy shop.  The card that came with the necklace says, "Miscarriage is a silent pain. My hope is that each nest encourages mothers to share their stories and heal."  My feelings exactly!**

For more posts about miscarriage, check out the My Miscarriage Journey page for all my posts.  

Confessions of a Control Freak: Learning to Let Go

Confession:  I'm a bit of a control freak.  I'm sure this isn't coming as a surprise to some of you.  I like to know that nothing has been overlooked.  That things are getting done the best way possible (my way, of course).  That things are under control.

There are so many questions we want answers to in life.  Will I ever get married?  How many kids should we have?  Where will the money come from?  Are things really going to be okay?  Why are things the way they are?  My husband and I are currently dealing with a couple of these questions--particularly about money.  I've been able to stay-at-home with the kids and it has been a blessing.  We've never had a ton of money, but we've survived. The cost of living in Virginia is higher than we're used to, for sure, but the cost of living is rapidly increasing everywhere.  We're doing everything we can to keep living at our normal standard of living, but the money's not there.  And it drives me crazy.  And every time it feels like we're finally getting ahead or that our emergency fund is finally funded, we have an emergency that exceeds our emergency funds.  Every time.

When I step back and take a look at the big picture, though, I see that it's not really all that bad.  Our basic needs are met.  That's all that we really need right now.  There have been times in the past where we've gone through a rough financial patch, but God has always provided.  He hasn't always provided what we thought we needed when we thought we needed it, but His plan is always better than ours.  His timing is always better than ours.

Aren't two sparrows sold for only a penny? 

But your Father knows when any one of them falls to the ground. 

 Even the hairs on your head are counted. So don't be afraid!

 You are worth much more than many sparrows. 

Matthew 10:29-31 

God knows our needs, there's nothing to worry about.  When we trust Him and let Him take over as "control freak" in our lives, things are so much better.  

We're praying for God's guidance as I look for a way to supplement our income.  He's already clearly steered me away from two options, and I know that He knew exactly why those wouldn't be the right choice for our family.  Ultimately, He knows that I want to stay home to care for our kids, and I believe He is going to work that out.  

Regardless of what situation you're struggling with, God knows and God will provide the answer, if you'll just wait for Him.  Sometimes, we just have to sit around and wait for it, and for a control freak like me, the sitting around while I could be up "fixing" the problem is incredibly difficult and scary.  But the Lord has proven time and time again that He is with his people.  I can come up with plenty of examples in my own life that show that.  Reading through the Old Testament shows that. The Old Testament is almost like a resume of God's work as our Defender, Provider, Comforter, etc.  

I've commanded you to be strong and brave. 

Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! 

I am the Lord your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go. 

Joshua 1:9

So, I'm a control freak.  But I'm learning to let go. This particularly testing time is just reminding me that it's not all about me.  God's got it under control.  

Happy Friday! (And thanks Mom for your inspiring scripture references on Facebook!)

A Sigh of Relief

If you haven't read about my drama with the insurance company, check out yesterday's post.  Today, I have better news, though! 

After being on the phone with the doctors and insurance company all morning yesterday, I decided I needed to take Kate to the doctor.  She had been coughing for a couple days, but it was starting to sound like wheezing.   They scheduled us for a 3:00 appointment.  We made it into the office at 3:08, after I had to wake Kate from her afternoon nap.  She was less than thrilled to be going to the doctor, but I'm so glad I took her.  Her behavior doesn't really scream "sick kid," but when she starts coughing, as my husband put it, "you just want to hold her."  The verdict?  Pneumonia.  I was expecting to maybe get an antibiotic, but not a pneumonia diagnosis.  Instead of one antibiotic, we have two antibiotics, one steroid and breathing treatments.  The good news is, her 36 hours of  102 degree fevers seem to be over.  She slept soundly last night and seems to be coughing less this morning.  Thankfully, she's not fighting the breathing treatments too hard.  Convincing a three-year-old to rest, however, is not so easy!

While we were at the doctor's office, the office manager called me back to her office to talk about Jack's cardiologist appointment.  After another phone call with the insurance company, she had a solution.  Six weeks later, the insurance company did the smart thing and pointed out another practice we could go to that they would approve.  Not sure why it had to take so long, but at least it's an answer.  So we have an appointment next Tuesday.  Not great timing, since Kraig will be at camp, but I'll be glad to have it over. Our doctor doesn't normally refer to this cardiologist, because he tends to want to run every test in the book--necessary or not.  It will get the job done, though, so I'm thankful for a solution.

After the doctor's appointment, we had our highlight of the day.  We headed to Target to drop off Kate's prescriptions.  I had a coupon to receive a $5 Target gift card with the purchase of a prescription, so it seemed like the place to go--especially with three prescriptions to fill.  We dropped them off and then headed to meet Kraig for dinner.  When we went back to get the meds, my favorite pharmacy tech was there to help me.  She got the meds and I handed her my coupon.  When she handed me my receipt, she gave me THREE $5 gift cards and mumbled about it to me very quietly.  I questioned her and she said, "You're a loyal customer.  I feel like you deserve it."  So I told her that had literally made my day and shared with her a few of the negative points of the day.  She told me she'd be praying.  It was very sweet and redeeming to feel like someone in the world does actually care about others.  I was very grateful to end the chaos of the day on that note. 

In other news, Jackson apparently likes to eat deodorant.  Oh the joys of parenthood:)

Coming soon...

Things are getting back to normal here. We've all been sick. Kate's finally better. Kraig's getting there. I'm in the midst of a nasty cold, but I'll survive. Monday afternoon I'll have my first real appointment with my doctor and we'll finally get to hear the heartbeat of this baby. I can't wait! I'll be posting Monday or Tuesday about how that appointment goes. I'm anxious to meet the doctor and see if I'm going to like this office or not. I loved my doctor with Kate and I'm not sure anyone could live up to that experience. I hope it doesn't ruin me!

I'm also going to start a series of posts called "The Things They Don't Tell You." It'll be all the things I've learned so far about pregnancy, childbirth and living with a newborn that don't always get talked about. Hopefully, it will be informative and enlightening!

How I'm feeling...anxious!

First appointment

I had my first OB appointment last Friday, at 7 weeks 4 days. I only met with a nurse, who went over the basic pregnancy information and told me how the rest of my doctor's appointments would work. She took a more thorough medical history and did another urine pregnancy test. After sharing my previous birth experience, she acted like there was a good chance the doctor would not let me deliver vaginally (due to some tearing that had to be surgically repaired). I made sure she understood that a cesarean section would not be an option in my book until vaginal delivery had been tried. I don't care if I have to have another follow-up surgery, I want to deliver vaginally. That was upsetting. I have to get them a few of my medical records from the other hospital, and hopefully they'll change their mind. Otherwise, I'll be finding a new doctor. Not ideal. I was also given lab orders for a 24-hour urine test, a glucose test, and numerous blood tests. I went to get the kit for the urine test yesterday and I'll do the blood work on Wednesday. Hopefully, all of that will come back good and we'll just get to wait until the next appointment, which is February 7th.

How I'm feeling....I'm feeling very anxious about the possibility of not "being allowed" to deliver vaginally. If my previous doctor thought that, I should have been informed. It would have heavily weighed on our decision to have another baby. I'm also hungry all the time. This isn't anything particularly new for me, but if I don't eat I feel sick. Strong smells are also starting to make me nauseated. I only experienced this once with Kate's pregnancy, so hopefully it won't last long!