To The One I'll Never Hold

The past few weeks have been up and down.  I've been thinking about you a lot.  Missing you.  Crying for you.  Remembering you always.

I knew February would be hard.

I sat in church today and realized we probably would have been meeting you in 6 days or so.  I probably would have had gestational diabetes and, given my experience with your brother and sisters' births, would have been induced early.  You weren't due until the 20th.

I should be meeting you next week, though.

But I'm not.

Someday.

But not here.

And it all feels so wrong.

I'm so happy that you're getting a little brother, but he'll never get to meet you either.

It's always sweet to feel him kicking and squirming in my belly, but then I remember that you're not there.

That I never felt you move.

And it's JUST. SO. HARD.

Feeling happy feels wrong at times, because I'm sad, too.  I'm not replacing you.  I'm not forgetting you.  But there is so much good to be happy about, too.  God has really blessed our family.  You would have loved being with us.

And we would have loved so much to have you.

And I'll never understand why.  

But I am thankful for the way God has used you, even though you were never here.  He's used you to help me help others who have little ones in Heaven, too.  He's used you to remind me to enjoy every single second I get with your siblings.  He's used you to remind me to lean on Him.

And without you, we probably wouldn't have this little guy I'm carrying now.  And I'm sure God has big plans for him, too.

I'll never forget this pain.

But I'll also never forget the joy you brought me and your daddy.

You will forever be loved.

So, I'll let the waves of grief come again as we approach your due date, because you were a life worth mourning.

Missing you always, little one.

Love,
Your Momma

Because I Understand Now

It's been a good few weeks for me, emotionally.  It's been 11 weeks since we lost Baby #4.  I was 11 weeks pregnant.  I miss that little one.  Not a day has gone by without remembering what we lost, but I hadn't cried in over two weeks.

But yesterday...

I was reminded yesterday that today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

And I am SO aware.

Before this year, I had seen posts by many sweet friends who have lost little ones and been sad for them, but this year I understand.

This year I'm mourning--not just for me--but for my friend B , who lost a little one to miscarriage last year.

For my sweet friend T and her losses.  You were my first real glimpse into this pain.

For my friend L, whose loss is more than I can even imagine.

For another L who lost her first and delivered a stillborn daughter.

For D and her recent losses.

For J and her sweet one.

For J and her sweet little girl.

For G who reached out to me because she went through miscarriage over 30 years ago.

For my mother-in-law and my husbands family, who lost a child and a sibling.

For S who lost her first little Peanut to miscarriage.

For S and her multiple miscarriages.

For A who lost her first to miscarriage.

For J and Baby August.


Each of these women helped me in my grief.  They shared their dark days. They shared tears and hugs and words of hope. And I am forever grateful.

The ache is very present today, but we mourn together.

Today, I'm thinking about what I would look like at 22 weeks pregnant. Thinking about feeling all the little kicks and somersaults. And I miss my little one.

If you're struggling with the loss of a pregnancy or infant, too, PLEASE don't carry that weight alone.

Reach out.
Share your story.
You never know who you might help just by not being silent.

Overwhelmed

I am truly overwhelmed at the response from all of you since I posted our miscarriage story on Monday.  The post has been viewed nearly 500 times, which, for a tiny blog like mine, is huge. I'm even more overwhelmed, however, with the number of women who have shared their personal miscarriage stories with me--some of which were as recent as last week. I wrote this for me, as part of my healing process, but many of you have shared gratitude to me for sharing it because it's helping you in your healing process.  Knowing that my story and my pain is helping others has been a huge source of comfort to me.  It is healing to know that my pain is serving a purpose.

You will probably never know all the people in your life who have lost a child to miscarriage. I would ask that you please share my post from yesterday with those you know. You never know who might need to read it. If my story can meet someone else in their grief, it gives even greater purpose to my pain.

The link for the original post is here.

The pain is still unbearable most of the time, but I'm trying. I'm searching the Bible for comfort. Praying--even if it's only in cries and moans the Holy Spirit can recognize.  Surrounding myself with songs of praise and worship to remind myself of the Lord's faithfulness. Reading through my old prayer journal entries to remind myself of the victories in my past.

Here's a snippet of what I wrote yesterday:

I am overcome with joy because of your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. -Psalm 31:7

Lord, I know these words are true.  I know that you care in my mind. Help me to know it in my heart.

I'm thankful my pain is serving a purpose, but I'm still grieving and searching for peace. It's a long road, I'm told.  One day, one hour, one moment at a time...